Life's screw up

So I know I'm not in a very pretty place right now. And I'm trying my best to avoid writing because I know only misery is going to pour out. But I need to get away and seeking solace in the vacant depths of my fastatical get-aways is not helping. My beach house, country manor, and high rise condo's have been inhabited. Crowded by ignored insecurities and secrets vying for space and shelter until they are summoned once again.
It's like when you're trying to get away from the pressing crowd in need of air and you find yourself in the middle of a dark alley. You've left the crowded chaos behind, you are finally alone to breath and there is a calm silence here. But it begins to prick the hair on your arms, your ears are ringing and in the emptiness now there are shadows. Reaching out, beckoning to you and saying, "come to me. I'll make the monster go away". Except the monster doesn't leave. It only gets replaced by another one. One you haven't seen in a long long time. One that you pretended you slayed that sunny day when you were laughing with your friends. Sorry. It didn't die. You didn't tell anyone that it only put its head down and retreated into the shadows. It's eyes knowing that there will be a time when you will meet again. Till then it rests and feeds, growing on wayward thoughts, plotting and planning. Patiently waiting for you to lose your way and stumble upon it one gloomy day when the sun is forgotten and the friends have left. And this time it is not alone. It's made friends. The other monsters you'd left injured and bleeding to die. Other defeated monster that waited till you walked away triumph, smiling behind your back at their wounds knowing that their time will come too.
What do you do when all these monsters now know your secret retreats? What do you do when they know that you turn to the beach house because you are alone, and they've station the monsters Reject, Loner, Outcast, Unwanted, and Ignored behind each door. At your country study manor, they snuck in Loser, Flunkie, Drop-Out, and Disappointment. And at the party penthouse they have Ugly, Dull, Boring, and Tolerated.
At this point I usually grab my ipod, download movies, go for a walk, or just sleep. But there is no escape left. The army of monsters have enough troops to split up and send around. Their forces powerful and in many numbers.
It's getting easier and easier to understand the lure of a bottle or the playfulness of a drug. The warmth of a stranger and the emptiness of a coma. I no longer want to get away. I need to get away. Get away and get out. Far away. Away from reminders and people and comfort and love and the loathed word friendship. Because all these are temporary. Umbrellas that last only so long, only to be replaced by a new ones. I need to go. To a place where there is no need for umbrellas. Where there is only me and vast empty land. A barren field with no dark corners or crevices. With no happy sunshine and darling friends or caring family. Where it is only me.
Standing strong and solitary in an endless ocean. Alone.
That's where I'll be safe.