4 years later

I was updating and polishing my blog because I decided to hand it over as a present to my dearest friend. But I was lost in the posts of my past, reading the blabberings of my 23yr old self. And I can't help but proclaim. How naive... to claim to be miserable and lost in love and be able to watch tragic love stories and then to be able to review them! Hahahaha! You want to know what sorrow and lost in love is? I live a life where I only watch animated, adventure, and action movies. Since April 2011. Rue the day Rockstar snuck up on me. A part of me will never forgive that, and to have it paired by a timely phone call in the middle of the movie from Angel-Demon. God bless the turned off lights lol my face would have declared to the world my guilt. Gaddamn my face... though I'm getting better at masking it.
And curious about the nickname Angel-Demon? But isn't it perfect? One who is both my savior, my mentor, my solace, my protector, and my peace yet at the same time my darkest misery, the punishment of my soul, my burning agony, my temptation into wrong, my banishment of happiness. One cannot exist without the other. I've come to understand and welcome it with open arms. This feeling will forever be hand in hand. And it is okay because time makes us jaded to all. It wasn't too long ago that I thought I would forever need to nurture the Fakeness. But I bought into my own ploy and I'm happy now because I could no longer bear to be anything else. I ran out of the effort to preoccupy myself so that I wouldn't be alone with my thoughts. So what did I do with them instead? I piled them into a heap and set them ablaze. For we have tried time and time again to hide them here, and they came spilling out. Ok there, and they leaked out. Why so busy running away? Just make a pile and light the match. Cry, first just drops that flows down your face to your chin, then moans of a tortured animal that rattle and leave your ribcage hurting for days... and then just dry heaves of misery and acceptance of helplessness. and Goodbye... the whole time it burns.
But at last, when the ashes were left white and powdery, I fell asleep, deep and peaceful. for the first time without thinking of my Angel-Demon as I had every single night for 9 months. Peaceful sleep from which I woke up, refreshed and smiling. Smiling to be alive, smiling to have lived a lifetime of happiness in two years, to have had so much love that most people can't even imagine, to have a beautiful story to my name, to have had a wonderful human to be paired with, and then smiling because of the gift of continuing to have that human in my life. And most of all, smiling because life could have been more miserable. But I am strong, and I am powerful, and I dictate my life. And smiling because my life is wonderful.
There is a new sun rising.