hehhehehe laughing quietly is so hard! hehehehe

if you know someone who talks in their sleep.... make sure you poke them and listen carefully. hehe this one used to blabber away in dutch, but now he talks away in english and it's so much fun! :D:D:D hehehehe

make me smile

the man i love is sleeping on his back with his leg tucked under the other one and breathing loudly (lets not call it snoring) with his mouth open....
cuteness <3
its a big responsibility you've given me: your happiness

Is this going to happen everytime?

haan yeh such hai ke main tumse pyaar nahi karti magar phir kyun mera dil dukhta hai tumhe uss ke saath dekh kar? kyun mere dil mein ek dard sa mehsoos hota hai, jaise kissi ne mere dil ko bardhe nazakat se ghop diya hai

buss itni si baat hai. mujhse kuch mat kaho. mera dil roraha hai, usse ronai do. tum mujhe kya tasali doge, tum khud apne aap ko nahi sambhal paarahai ho.

March something II

Aah he frustrates me in every way possible. Sometimes I wonder what I see in him. But then aren't friends like that? Annoy each other, laugh together, smile...sounds more like family than friendship. OK skip this bullshit and lets get to the point. He promised me an answer and I want it. I'm trying to play cool and casual here and not desperate but my patience is wearing very very thin and my annoyance is emerging.

a step further

ok we have a problem. when things become so intense that you feel forbidden words wanting to come out of your mouth, you need to stop. specially because this won't be a one time thing, it'll mean much more than it should, and it'll lead to a situation neither of us want. but you tell me, how do we control it? because right now i'm just going with the flow, and i'm completely overwhelmed by sensations and feelings i haven't felt for a while. i'm mature enough to know this is just carnal desire and lust but god it feels good to be alive.

to believe or not to believe...that is the question

So now I'm confused. Sometimes I think I just dreamt that night. I mean all it took was for me to look in the mirror and BAM! it hit me. Really? Really Aaron? Really? What are the chances that really happened? I mean I know what his taste is. And I'm as far away from that as humanly possible, so how could it be that even for those few minutes he wanted me? And the reality check is that we're totally back to normal, not that I mind. I mean I'm so glad because I haven't lost one of my best friends, but we're exactly as we were before this whole dramatized fantasy happened. As if he never said "I don't think I can do the right thing."

As if he never asked me to choose the course of the night. I wonder...did it happen? God I hope it did because it's my precious little gift that I want to hold onto forever and ever. But now its slipping away and I think it never happened. My older sister said talk about it...but I'm scared. Scared now that it was all just in my head. And if it wasn't what would I say? "Thank you for making feel like I was something precious and like something that you had to control yourself from laying your hands on." "thank you for making me feel adorable and sexy and like something you desperately needed" I don't think I've ever felt like that, wanted in the most desperate and tender way. And now I don't even know if that was real. Am I making it up? I mean nothing in the way he acts shows those few minutes even happened. Maybe its a good thing we never talked about it because honestly I'm now so so sure it was in my head. O well. Dreams are what make the world go round. And the reality is that I have a wonderful friendship that I want to hold onto forever and ever and never wanna risk losing...well for as long as I can manage. And those few minutes aren't worth messing everything up.

The night of March 2nd 2010.

Remember this night Aaron. It was probably one of the most painful, difficult, bittersweet nights of your life. To have something you want so so bad, so so close and right there in your arms, and to ask it to let go. Even though a big part of you won, the part that has to answer to God, the part that has to look into your parent's eyes, your brother's eyes, and your older sister's eyes, a small part of you died. The part that now knows that you will never break the rules and take what you really want. No matter how much you want it. I guess you are still a little girl from Saudi Arabia who will always have boundaries.
O God why test me so? I was so ready to say yes. Damn him for asking me. Damn him for being so good. Damn him for being so strong. Damn him for being what I wanted, who I wanted, and nobody else but exactly him in that moment. Damn him damn him damn him damn him!!



*sigh* No I don't hate him. I don't think I will ever be capable of hating him. But he's right. I don't want to loose him and if we weren't so strong, this friendship would be over. And I love him way too much as a friend to even consider that. This friendship between us has definitely changed. I know it's not lost, but I wonder what the morning will bring. I guess all those times my Mom said it, she was right. Girls and boys can never be just friends.