a difficult time

why does this have to be so difficult. beegees just broke up and its eating him inside and i sit here hopelessly watching. i can't offer solace, i can't offer comfort, and i feel so helpless. seeing him so broken and so hurt. why why do bad things happen to good people. why do horrible people abuse the goodness in people? why why?? god i wish this wasn't so difficult. I wish this wasn't so hard for him and i sincerely wish I could make it all go away.
HAH!

i'm fucking one to talk. after what i did. that's probably why i don't deserve to offer comfort or give advice. i should shut up and mind my own business. but i can't when the friends i love are hurting. so i try. i try so hard and i fuck up. so now i'm gonna just sit here and let it eat away at me. and wait patiently and try to think of a way to make him happy.
i think its time to make a trip to the beach again. you can never come back from the beach angry or sad. o god please help him out. please make him feel better. he is a good person who doesn't deserve to be hurt. that bitch on the other hand...if you can make her miserable without making him miserable, i'm all for it.

We're a Sushi Roll

Hmm this may become a habit. Lets not speak so soon. After all we just discovered I have the power of jinxing things.
The last week has been a challenge for me and my loved ones. One of us went through a break up, one of us made the other one cry, and the third's getting her heart wrenched in the name of love. Individually we're all miserable, though I should be modest because my misery may very well be a joke compared to the others'. But its this misery that's brought us together and bonded us. Sharing joy bonds people in the moment, but sharing sorrow bonds people for a period of time. I don't know how long this is going to last but I've become sadly codependent.

We've got a long long way together...through the hard times and the good...

Lets talk about friendship.
Life is pretty interesting. You never know who you'll meet. In one of the episodes from How I Met You Mother Ted says to his future wife's roomate "I feel like our paths are meant to cross and I don't wanna miss out on getting to know you." I think that's what happened here with Guitar Hero and me. Our paths were meant to cross and they did and things got real bad for a while, but now I feel the reason behind all that heartache, drama, anger, and frustration has finally emerged. I guess we were meant to be good friends. Really really good friends. Most friendships aren't equally balanced. There is usually a compromise where one gives more than he/she gets. I feel my relationship with my Older Sis is sort of like that. At times I feel she's giving more and at times I feel I am. But this past week with Mr. Beanpole things have so generously fallen into place. It makes my heart happy. I used to feel we met because I needed someone last semester and now that I have my brother with me that acquaintance would come to an end. But like I said life and people are unpredictable. Despite all the craziness in both our worlds, we've not only managed to salvage a friendship I predicted was disappearing, we've managed to cement it. Now I want to say its one of those forever friendships, but I'm skeptical (as is my nature about friendships). On the other hand Mr. Rockband is seriously and 100% sure this is one of those forever friendships. And true to his world, he passed the ultimate test of friendship.
When a friend, specially a new one manages to destroy something precious there are two ways you can react. You can either destroy them or you can be the bigger man and just walk away. But in both scenarios the friendship is over. I managed to deleted something so precious I deserved to be slapped. But Mr. Beanpole not only held his temper in check he gave me a second chance, holding no grudges or hatred in his heart. If anything this raises the bar of this relationship.
I can only hope I can meet the standards he's setting and rise beyond them. Some things in life are precious and I'm beginning to think this may be one of those things. God make me strong and help me be a better friend. Amen.

A Whole New World

So reading my old post I can't believe the changes that have happen in two months. Well in a way there have been some changes, and in a way nothing has changed at all. So lets see whats different. Yes Mr. Beanpole and I are still friends, and no we're not anything more than friends, thank you God. Yes there was a time when I was pretty desperate about wanting there to be more to our relationship than just "good friends" but I'm not delusional anymore. I guess you could say it took me getting closer to realize that. Mr. Beanpole comes with a lot of expectations. To be at the end of Mr. Beanpole's intensity, wow (but then again if she's the one for him, it wouldn't seem like too much, right?). So I guess thats the main reason I'm perfectly happy where our relationship stands. Good friends. This gives me the liberty of sharing secrets and discussing personal things without the hesitation of checking my words or being scared about squishing toes. And most of all, and I think this is my favorite part, which I wouldn't trade even for a real relationship, is the benefit of yelling. It's absolutely-no-doubt-about-it-the-coolest part of this friendship. There are very few people who honestly understand and appreciate the way my brain works. Sometimes I think Beanpole has it all figured out and knows and understand my short tempers, my stubbornness, and then my guilt when i'm wrong, my thirst to impress, and my knack for being easily awed. He caters to them, allows me to yell when I lose my temper, lets me have my way when I'm stubborn, doesn't hold a grudge and equally quickly apologizes when he's wrong, appreciates me when I'm working hard at something (even if it's lame), and shows off so that I can cheer and praise. Funny how that works. A couple weeks ago he's said, when your brother first told me you were coming I thought now I can have a little sister. He was right, that's exactly who I want to be. But there's a catch. I don't want to hear one word about Ms. Bitchy-Princess. O god I hate her guts. I hate her so so much. And you'd probably say "Like duh, of course you'd hate HER!" But thats not true, I'd hate anyone who does this. Ask one of my best friends. I ripped her to shreds when she was being a bitch, but this woman takes the prize. She is such a loser that I'm actually impressed by her ability to fool everyone. When I first found out about Her Royal Bitchiness I thought the way to come to terms with my feelings is to first, respect the gravity of Beanpole's feelings, (which i do very much and which is actually why i discarded my feelings) and then two, get to know the lady love, see how awesome she is, see why she is so deserving of all this affection, and maybe become a good friend (cuz by my code, you don't crush on the guy your friend has feelings for). So thats exactly what I did, I went out of my way, opened up my mind, my heart, and my home to this woman. I told her yes, I did have feelings for your man (who isn't even actually her man), but yes I respect what he feels for u and I do think you should make him happy. I convinced her to spend more time with him, I convinced her to give him the attention he craves, and I convinced myself she's more deserving of his affections than me. BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. Under all that prim and proper crap she was ranting, is a very insecure self centered selfish person. And a cruel one at it too. Wow I've never seen anyone get so much pleasure from the misery of a another person. I was trying to be this person's friend and she was being a bitch. Well too bad. Your fucking loss woman, cuz I'm one helluva friend ;) :D:D
Neways so two months later, things are good I think. I'm far far away from Mr. Beanpole and his lady love. I'm ok with their convoluted nonsense relationship as long as it doesn't involve me or our friendship. I have another semester to go through with them, but thats ok, Mr. Beanpole has dropped several points in my respect when he willingly messed up his courses. I can't respect or admire someone like that, but I can be friends.
I think the lesson I've learnt is that I'm just a silly girl, desperate for companionship and nothing more. I don't need anything else if I can just get that. I don't want the burden of a relationship. I'm witness to too many, and its just too much work. They say its worth it, but I don't see it.
But then again, when it's the right guy, I guess I'll see it.

Giraffe

So today I didn't my daily fix of Giraffe and I'm getting restless. I will be getting a hit tonight...if I'm lucky, which please God make me. So a couple nights ago, well lets say Saturday October 4th to be precise the world sorta kinda came crashing down when my darling Giraffe basically said yes dear I know u've got a crush on me, but I'm into smone else. At first I was just devastated. I was really deluding myself into thinking this guy was into me. But then barely after 12 hours, I got my act together (which btw I'm very impressed with, but then again I've known this guy what...3 weeks now??) and analyzed the situation. And this is my conclusion: there are two possible things that are happening here. Either 1) he doesn't realize what he wants, and he's telling himself he's into Ms. Contact-lens, and he's torn between a former crush who's warming up and someone new and fun and interesting (moi). Because honey he is showing all the sign of "o i'm into you". Or 2) he's a jerk. He's messing with my head because he's getting attention that his lady love isn't giving. I would love to say its scenerio uno, but honestly I don't know this person long enough or well enough to say 2 wouldn't happen at all. *sigh* regardless I'm in a lose-lose situation. Ms. Lady love is leaving by the end of the semester and a huge part of me is saying oooo lets be real good friends until then and then jump some bones in January. Then another part of me is going are u mental u stupid other part. The smart thing to do is play the game. Give a little, get a little, poor Giraffe doesn't even know he's being played. I'm sure because he's a "master of manipulation" he's doing some of his own game playing, but at the moment, so am I. Two can play the game.
Bah. Such drama. In all honesty I dont even know if I want a slightly immature, very good looking, hot, Giraffe for anything more than a friend. I mean except for the obvious exceptions I'm getting all that I want without the hassle of commitment or heartache. So why ask for more right? U know that actually makes sense. Hmm....I like that. Let see where this new revelation takes us.

Right Now

So yea I suck at poetry and shit but I need to put this in writing. I am so confused about what's going on. I mean I don't know if my crush is fading out or what. This is weird and it's never happened before. I mean it might be the whole over-exposure thing. But whatever it is a part of me is relieved and happy that I won't be crazy anymore. That I won't hate every girl he talks to, that I won't get pissed every time he sits with someone who's not me. So this is a good thing. On the other hand I'm sad. I liked what it was, whatever it was. It made me feel special. I don't know what's going on now. There's a huge weird gap between us. I want to talk to him about so many things, but how? ARGH this is so frustrating. Maybe the answer is just going with the flow. My friend's right. It is way to early to feel anything. What's it been like what? Just two weeks? So maybe this is a good thing. If things go back to all being all attentive and aware when we're around each other then that means there is something there. If that doesn't happen, then quite simply it was a total physical thing. Which honestly wouldn't have been bad, but would never have stayed that simple. So here's a deep breath, and now we take each day at a time, a step at a time, even though my wild streak is rebelling against the chilled out attitude, that's how we're going to do things. For now.

Quote of the Day

"you may have been acting a certain way, but that doesn’t mean you really are that way, or that you’ll stay that way forever. Behavior is temporary and changing. You can be whatever kind of person you want to be"

-Anonymous
(actually I know who it's by....I just have to remember their name)