So reading my old post I can't believe the changes that have happen in two months. Well in a way there have been some changes, and in a way nothing has changed at all. So lets see whats different. Yes Mr. Beanpole and I are still friends, and no we're not anything more than friends, thank you God. Yes there was a time when I was pretty desperate about wanting there to be more to our relationship than just "good friends" but I'm not delusional anymore. I guess you could say it took me getting closer to realize that. Mr. Beanpole comes with a lot of expectations. To be at the end of Mr. Beanpole's intensity, wow (but then again if she's the one for him, it wouldn't seem like too much, right?). So I guess thats the main reason I'm perfectly happy where our relationship stands. Good friends. This gives me the liberty of sharing secrets and discussing personal things without the hesitation of checking my words or being scared about squishing toes. And most of all, and I think this is my favorite part, which I wouldn't trade even for a real relationship, is the benefit of yelling. It's absolutely-no-doubt-about-it-the-coolest part of this friendship. There are very few people who honestly understand and appreciate the way my brain works. Sometimes I think Beanpole has it all figured out and knows and understand my short tempers, my stubbornness, and then my guilt when i'm wrong, my thirst to impress, and my knack for being easily awed. He caters to them, allows me to yell when I lose my temper, lets me have my way when I'm stubborn, doesn't hold a grudge and equally quickly apologizes when he's wrong, appreciates me when I'm working hard at something (even if it's lame), and shows off so that I can cheer and praise. Funny how that works. A couple weeks ago he's said, when your brother first told me you were coming I thought now I can have a little sister. He was right, that's exactly who I want to be. But there's a catch. I don't want to hear one word about Ms. Bitchy-Princess. O god I hate her guts. I hate her so so much. And you'd probably say "Like duh, of course you'd hate
HER!" But thats not true, I'd hate anyone who does this. Ask one of my best friends. I ripped her to shreds when she was being a bitch, but this woman takes the prize. She is such a loser that I'm actually impressed by her ability to fool everyone. When I first found out about Her Royal Bitchiness I thought the way to come to terms with my feelings is to first, respect the gravity of Beanpole's feelings, (which i do very much and which is actually why i discarded my feelings) and then two, get to know the lady love, see how awesome she is, see why she is so deserving of all this affection, and maybe become a good friend (cuz by my code, you don't crush on the guy your friend has feelings for). So thats exactly what I did, I went out of my way, opened up my mind, my heart, and my home to this woman. I told her yes, I did have feelings for your man (who isn't even actually her man), but yes I respect what he feels for u and I do think you should make him happy. I convinced her to spend more time with him, I convinced her to give him the attention he craves, and I convinced myself she's more deserving of his affections than me. BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. Under all that prim and proper crap she was ranting, is a very insecure self centered selfish person. And a cruel one at it too. Wow I've never seen anyone get so much pleasure from the misery of a another person. I was trying to be this person's friend and she was being a bitch. Well too bad. Your fucking loss woman, cuz I'm one helluva friend ;) :D:D
Neways so two months later, things are good I think. I'm far far away from Mr. Beanpole and his lady love. I'm ok with their convoluted nonsense relationship as long as it doesn't involve me or our friendship. I have another semester to go through with them, but thats ok, Mr. Beanpole has dropped several points in my respect when he willingly messed up his courses. I can't respect or admire someone like that, but I can be friends.
I think the lesson I've learnt is that I'm just a silly girl, desperate for companionship and nothing more. I don't need anything else if I can just get that. I don't want the burden of a relationship. I'm witness to too many, and its just too much work. They say its worth it, but I don't see it.
But then again, when it's the right guy, I guess I'll see it.